The past few days I have been in a rather depressed mood for several reasons. Sometimes living apart from Ayuko can drag me down as the frustration and loneliness it causes builds up until it overwhelms both of us. This only happens occasionally and whenever either of us does feel this way a phone call from the other is always more than enough to bring our spirits back up. However when the dark feeling it brings on does hit, for me at least, it is like being clouted over the head with a sledgehammer. Immense feelings of depression and longing for Ayuko seem to overwhelm my usually solid mental defenses and it brings me to my knees emotionally as I wonder why the hell I am not living with her in Tokyo. This then couples with anger at my company for lying to me in saying I would be working in Tokyo, the only area I applied to work in, and then telling me the "job" I had there was no longer available three weeks before I was set to move there. However as I said after talking with Ayuko I am always fine, as I am now, but it still sets me back.

Another reason I have been feeling rather down is after talking with my father's friend, a doctor from Japan who know lives in America, I feel that I am woefully unprepared for a future career in America. Up until this point I have not put a great deal of thought into grad school beyond wanting to achieve both my MBA and possibly a Masters in Japanese, but after speaking with her she opened my eyes to the reality of the situation. Competition is much fiercer than I had imagined and so specialization will be necessary for a successful career. It also made me realize that I may have to choose between doing something I enjoy and something that is financially viable. I am the kind of person who views a job as something you do to earn a living and not something that is necessarily your life's passion, but having to confront the reality of it so head on was a sobering experience. However as I have mentioned before after my experience with NOVA I will never again be in a situation where I have to worry about my finances.

All in all I am now even more motivated than before in my Japanese studies, as well as planning for my and Ayuko's future. I am not a terribly ambitious person, but I like to view myself as a slumbering giant such as America before WWII and once I am galvanized into action I can accomplish a great deal. The beast has awoken.